The BMW That Made Executive Rivals Nervous: Inside the E39 5 Series

Executives are a funny breed. What they lack in dress sense, they more than make up for with brand loyalty. See that guy over there? He started out in business with a little Mercedes 190, and he’s going to stick with Merc until the day he dies. He’ll just get bigger and better models as he moves up the corporate ladder.

And what about that bloke? He’s got a Jaguar. It wouldn’t matter if Lexus sent round half-naked Fijian girls to rub exotic oils into him every night — he is not going to change.

Ninety percent of these people will stick with the same manufacturer year after year after year.

Unfortunately, what all this means is that if you’ve got a Jaguar or a Mercedes or a Lexus, for the next few minutes, you’re going to be bored rigid.

Because this new 5 Series is designed primarily for people who already go to their lodge meetings in an old 5 Series.

The First Question Every BMW Driver Will Ask

If I know my BMW drivers — and I think I do — the first question they’re likely to ask is a simple one: How fast is it?

Well, the 2.3 is a bit of a tortoise. But this has 2.8 litres of farm-fresh double cream with the power of absolute vodka. It gets from nought to 60 in seven and a half seconds and does 145 miles an hour. That’s fast enough to keep Diana ahead of the paparazzi.

Next question, please.

The Chassis That Changed Everything

Are you kidding? This is the first car in the world whose undersides are made entirely from aluminium. And that has a dramatic effect.

In any car, there’s a worrying moment of instability between turning the wheel and feeling the car actually settle into the bend. In a Ferrari, that moment is virtually instantaneous. In a Lada, it’s over in about two or three years. Something like that.

But this? This is as good as saloon cars get. No matter what the hazard, it reacts like lightning. Good brakes, good handling, and good ride comfort combine to make this a very relaxing car to drive, even if you’re going quickly.

Oh, cows. See the cows.

The Gearbox: Best of the Semi-Automatics

Of course, there is a choice. When you’re on your own and feeling lazy, you drive this car just like an automatic. But when Jenkins from accounts climbs on board, you slide the lever over here and you have manual control.

To change up, you push it forwards. To change down, you pull it back.

I have to say, this is probably the best of the so-called semi-automatic gearbox systems, because it has five speeds as opposed to the Porsche, which has four. But this one does think it knows best. Look at this — I want to go in fifth, and it keeps telling me I have to go in fourth.

Look, I’m the boss here. Who won the war, anyway?

-gums">The Interior: Wood Veneer and Wine Gums

Well, not really, no. But I do wish that BMW wouldn’t glue MFI veneer to the dashboard. Barbara Cartland can’t play football, and the Germans can’t make wood look good in a car. So why do they bother?

And what’s that wine gum doing stuck to the rear-view mirror? And look at this piece of cotton dangling off the steering wheel.

The Standard Stereo: A Historic Moment

Well, for once, it’s not bad. This 528 comes with traction control and all the toys for £30,000. But best of all — for the first time in living memory — BMW has provided a stereo as standard.

Hello? Hello, all you Jaguar, Mercedes, and Lexus drivers. Did you hear that? I’ll play it again.

For the first time in living memory, BMW has provided a stereo as standard.

Surely it can’t be true. But it is. And better than that, it’s one of the most sensible systems I’ve ever found. An on-off switch the size of a walnut. Volume control on the steering wheel. And buttons which are big and easy to understand. You’re not fiddling around with a cocktail stick in the middle of the night trying to find Radio 4.

Marvellous.

The Thermos That Stores Engine Heat

Now that I have the attention of all right-thinking people, no matter what you drive, can I ask you to stay with me till dawn? Because there’s something else you need to see.

Good night.

Morning.

Now, I turned the engine off about 12 hours ago, so it’s stone cold. Ordinarily, I’d be waiting seven or eight minutes for the heater to start working. But not in this.

Almost immediately, hot air is dribbling through the vents. Apparently, there’s a sort of thermos-type thingy somewhere behind the dashboard which can store the engine’s heat for up to two days. It’s a £700 option at the moment, but it’s got to be worth it.

The Verdict: A Damn Fine Car

This is a damn fine car, bristling with world firsts and good ideas. I still can’t see it pulling in too many Mercedes or Jaguar drivers, because of what it stands for — because of that 80s image. But it’s easily good enough to keep BMW drivers smiling a smile the size of Cheshire.

A Postscript: Why Buy a 7 Series?

You know, that 5 Series is so complete these days, I think a postscript is necessary here. See, I can’t think of a single reason why anyone would want to buy a 7 Series instead.

Maybe if I go for a drive, I’ll think of something.

This top-of-the-range model has the most sophisticated computer-TV combo outside of Bill Gates’s office. It has a V12 engine and a long wheelbase. But is it worth £40,000 more than a 528?

Nope.

The 5 Series is so good, it makes the flagship almost pointless. And that’s the highest compliment you can pay it.