The Dating App Trap: Why Technology Isnt the Real Reason Youre Still Single
The Dating App Trap: Why Technology Isnt the Real Reason Youre Still Single
Almost half of American young adults between 18 and 29 have swiped, matched, and chatted on a dating app. Include millennials, and youre still looking at more than a third of the population. We know the drill: which apps to download for a hookup, which ones to try for something serious, and—above all—how rarely any of it actually makes us happy.
So heres the question worth asking: if we all ditched the apps tomorrow, would our dating lives suddenly improve? Would meeting someone at a coffee shop or a friends party magically lead to lasting love?
According to Marianna Orlandi, a researcher who conducted interviews with unmarried young adults in Austin, Texas, the answer is a resounding no. Our dating problem runs much deeper than any algorithm. It rests on an impoverished understanding of what a person is, what a relationship requires, and what it truly means to choose someone freely.
“Technology is not our problem,” Orlandi writes. “Our problem is an obsessive concern for our own good, our distrust of others, and the terror of losing ourselves.”
Thats a hard pill to swallow, especially for anyone who has spent hours scrolling through profiles only to end up with nothing but a sore thumb and a bruised ego. But the evidence suggests shes onto something.
The Apps Arent the Villain—But Theyre Not the Hero Either
Lets be clear: dating apps havent helped. Theyve exacerbated existing problems. The people who built them shaped them according to preexisting ideals and preferences. Swiping on a potential partner the way youd browse Amazon products isnt exactly a recipe for human connection.
“I dont think its a healthy tool to present so many options,” one young man told Orlandi. “On top of that, it sort of dehumanizes people.”
A 24-year-old woman was even blunter: “I think that theyre increasingly bad for your mental health.”
Both men and women described the illusion of infinite choice—the feeling that theres always someone better just a swipe away—as a major obstacle to commitment. Psychologists have been saying this for years. When you have hundreds of options, why settle? Except that endless options dont lead to better matches. They lead to paralysis, distrust, and a nagging sense that youre missing out.
“We feel like there are so many options, but there is no one in reality,” one woman said. “You speak to so many people online, but none of it really materializes.”
The Numbers Dont Lie
The success rate of dating apps, measured by the percentage of initial dates that turn into relationships, is currently around 12 percent. That means for every 100 matches, you might get one relationship. And thats after an average of 70 to 100 matches before you even get to a date.
Men, in particular, face a skewed game. Across all platforms, the percentage of male users tends to be higher than female users. And while men cast a wide net, liking a broad range of women, women are far pickier. The result? Only 10 to 15 percent of men receive the majority of womens replies, leaving the rest unmatched and increasingly despondent.
Failure in the dating app world often leads to lower confidence, decreased self-esteem, and sometimes depression. But women arent exactly winning either. Theyre inundated with likes and messages, but rarely are they liked for who they truly are. Men click on attractive photos, not on interesting bios or shared values. Vulgarity follows, with explicit messages and images being much easier to send behind a screen than say in person. And safety is a constant concern—fake profiles, scammers, and the risk of sharing private information with someone who isnt who they claim to be.
The Trap of “Keeping Options Open”
Heres the uncomfortable truth: many people who say theyre looking for a stable relationship are actually just scrolling to escape boredom or boost their confidence. One interviewee admitted as much: “I got the attention I wanted, and it made me feel like a little less alone or like more wanted.”
This phenomenon affects both men and women. It contributes to frustration, confusion, and dissatisfaction. And its why some young adults describe the apps not as a tool but as a trap.
One man called them “awful.” Another simply said, “It is a trap.”
Even when relationships do form, they often dont last. Orlandis interviews revealed that several people had relationships that started on apps and lasted longer than a few weeks or months. Except for one engaged man and one woman considering engagement, all of those relationships ended.
A British study found that couples who met through apps seem to show higher rates of divorce, especially in the first three years of marriage. The explanation is reasonable: people who meet online rather than through mutual friends or family are relative strangers to each other. A few years may be just what they need to discover they werent a match.
The Real Problem: Weve Forgotten What Love Is
So if the apps arent the problem, what is? Orlandi argues that our dating crisis stems from a mistaken conception of freedom and choice. We believe that having more options makes us freer. But in reality, true freedom in love comes not from abundance but from intentionality.
In 1992, long before dating apps existed, UC Berkeley professor Meir Dan-Cohen wrote a paper called “Conceptions of Choice and Conceptions of Autonomy.” He showed that some of our truest experiences of freedom have nothing to do with picking the best option from a set. Think of craving a specific food. The freest choice is when you select the food you originally wanted, regardless of how many other options are on the menu. Or think of an artist writing a song. The freedom isnt in choosing between options; its in the act of creation itself.
Love, Orlandi suggests, may be similar. Real romantic freedom doesnt come from having a thousand matches. It comes from our decision to get to know the person in front of us, beyond the labels, and then to will that one partner for life—to decide to build something with them.
“Love is a mix of accident and free will,” she writes. “The modern world, however, remembers the first part only.”
For those familiar with Thomas Aquinas, this will sound familiar. Eight centuries ago, Aquinas taught that love is not a feeling. Its not a liking or a matching of compatible traits and hobbies. To love is to will the good of the other. Dating apps, Orlandi maintains, were shaped—and are now used—by people who are oblivious to this.
“A real match is not the person adoring us, but the one we wish to make happy,” she writes. “The question is whether we ultimately want to.”
So Whats the Cure?
Both online and in person, the bitter pill to swallow is that love is less about me and more about you. Love is wanting to bring about someone elses wellbeing—seeing them use their talents, fulfill their lifes mission. Our good, in the meantime, will be in their hands.
Fixing the dating and marriage crisis demands thinking more deeply and then investing in the communities and relationships around us. That means church groups, book clubs, community events—but even those wont work if we bring the same consumer mindset to them.
“If managed properly, even the apps can help,” Orlandi writes. “How we use them is entirely up to us.”
The next time you open a dating app, ask yourself: are you looking for a product to consume, or a person to love? The answer might just change everything.
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Mike Brown
Mike Brown – One of those authors who helps readers not get lost in today's news flow. He dives into political affairs as well as world events, social trends, and everyday stories that matter to everyone. The main focus of his work is fact-checking, clear language, and the ability to lay out the key points so that the reader gets a comprehensive and reliable picture of the topic in just a few minutes.
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